


atlas in his sleep

by nymeriahale



Series: honey you're familiar [6]
Category: Rugby RPF, Rugby Union RPF
Genre: Coming Out, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-01
Updated: 2020-03-01
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:09:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22973818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nymeriahale/pseuds/nymeriahale
Summary: “What can I help you with, Owen?” Gareth asks.“I think you can guess,” Owen says, finding it hard to hold eye contact. He takes a breath. He’s not sure why this is hard, when Gareth almost definitely already knows, and is gay himself besides, but he finds that it is. It had been hard some days in England camp, too, and some days not. He guesses it’s just how these things go.It doesn’t change his mind, not for a moment.“I’m gay,” Owen tells Gareth. “And I’d like to come out to the public this off season.”
Relationships: Owen Farrell/George Ford (mentioned)
Series: honey you're familiar [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1017006
Comments: 11
Kudos: 15





	atlas in his sleep

**Author's Note:**

> title is from Movement by Hozier
> 
> This is a work of fiction and as such nothing is to be considered implied or insinuated about real life rugby players.

Owen puts his hand on the door of Gareth Thomas’ management’s building, takes a breath. He can see Gareth inside through the glass walls, see him waiting, but he hasn’t spotted Owen yet. This feels like his last chance to turn around, on everything.

It’s not, of course. A meeting with Gareth Thomas is hardly a commitment to anything, and shouldn’t be anything intimidating given the amount of people who already know Owen’s planning to come out at some point. He’s told his own management, he’s told England’s PR people for goodness sake - this isn’t a new step, isn’t something to be frightened of. 

Owen pushes the door open.

Gareth looks around.

“Owen,” Gareth greets, warm, walking over to shake Owen’s hand. “How’s it going?” he asks, steering Owen towards the lifts.

“Yeah, not bad,” Owen replies, shaking his shoulders out.

Gareth scoffs. “A bit better than that, I think!” he replies. “I saw your match at the weekend, you must be on cloud nine still.”

“A bit,” Owen agrees, letting himself grin. “Got England to focus on now though.”

“Always the next thing, I remember,” Gareth says ruefully as they exit the lift. “Coffee?” he offers.

“Please,” Owen agrees, and they make small talk over England’s chances, how Wales might get on in Argentina, as the coffee brews. Once it’s made Gareth leads them into a glass walled meeting room with all its blinds down, and Owen’s nerves return.

“So,” Gareth says, sitting down and gesturing for Owen to do the same. He waits, then, for Owen to take the lead.

“Thanks for meeting me,” Owen begins. Then he sits, works his jaw a time or two. He knows what he wants to say, what Gareth probably already knows he wants to say - but the words won’t come out

“That’s quite alright,” Gareth says, after a moment. “What can I help you with, Owen?”

“I think you can guess,” Owen says, finding it hard to hold eye contact. 

“Guesses don’t mean anything,” Gareth says, voice kind. “I don’t know anything until you tell me.”

Owen takes another breath. He’s not sure why this is hard, when the entire of English rugby know, and Gareth almost definitely does, and is gay himself besides, but he finds that it is. It had been hard some days in England camp, too, and some days not. He guesses it’s just how these things go. 

It doesn’t change his mind, not for a moment. 

“I’m gay,” he tells Gareth. “And I’d like to come out to the public this off season. I guess I’m just - looking for advice,” he finishes, finally looking up.

Gareth’s eyebrows are raised in surprised. “This off season?” he asks. “Wow,” he accepts. “Okay.”

“Yeah,” Owen shrugs, getting warmed up now. “Sarries already know, and England - well, the whole damn Premiership by now, I guess you heard. I don’t want to use the media, or issue a statement. I don’t want it to be the focus of whatever I do, I want to slip it in as part of something else, but I’m not sure what. I know I can’t do it in a interview because it’ll immediately become the focus, but - I want something like that, to mention it when I’m talking about something else.”

Gareth nods, looking a little overwhelmed by the amount of information he’s just been given. “No matter how you come out it’ll still become its own news story,” he points out.

“That’s what my boyfriend said,” Owen replies ruefully.

“Sensible man,” Gareth praises. “Will you be telling people about him?”

Owen shakes his head. “He doesn’t want to come out so I’m going to try to not mention him,” he says, raising his coffee to take a sip.

“Right,” Gareth nods again. “So he’s in the public eye too?” he checks. 

Owen nods into his coffee.

“Another rugby player?” Gareth suggests.

“Yeah,” Owen agrees, going back for another sip. He’d kind of curious to see if Gareth will keep guessing until he works it out - and it is damn good coffee.

“In English rugby?” is Gareth’s next guess.

“In England,” Owen gives him. 

Gareth nods, slowly.

“It’s George Ford,” Owen clarifies, when Gareth doesn’t seem inclined to press further. 

“Right,” Gareth blinks, again. “Right. You know, you should’ve emailed me a primer,” he jokes. “I’d’ve spent less time being surprised and more time being helpful.”

“You’re a good test run of reactions,” Owen jokes back, liking that Gareth can laugh at himself.

“Right,” Gareth nods, serious again. “So he’s not coming out, you are. And you’re both okay with this? It could be hard to navigate,” he warns. “Risky for him, dating someone who’s out, uncomfortable for you - for you both, probably - to deny it.”

“We don’t need it to be easy,” Owen says, remembering George’s words. “We’ve made our own choices, this is what we each want, and - it’ll be worth it, however hard it gets.” He’s sure of that, doesn’t doubt it, and can hear it ringing clear in his voice.

“Okay,” Gareth accepts, smiling at Owen. “Sounds like it,” he agrees.

Owen smiles back, a little bashful.

“So you want to come out, without mentioning a boyfriend, without involving the media, and without making a statement,” Gareth summarises.

Owen nods. “Not that I’m picky or anything,” he half apologises.

“Hey, it’s a big thing, it’s important that you do it the right way for you,” Gareth shrugs.

Owen pulls a face, not totally agreeing. “I mean, I think telling England was bigger, for me,” he says when Gareth looks at him inquisitively. “That’s what meant everyone in the Premiership knew, nearly everyone I work with and play against - after that, the press, the public,” he shrugs. “I almost thought I might as well, I guess, if everyone I see already knows. I know it’ll be big, but - when it settles down, it’ll be other players knowing that’ll affect my life, really, not whatever the press and public do. That will settle down, right?” he asks, half joking, as Gareth frowns.

“Yes and no,” Gareth tells him. “The press, yes, eventually, to about the level you’re already used to I would guess. But the public... I’m sure you have fans, now, who tell you you mean something to them - but not like this. After a while, sure, this won’t be something new every fan wants to mention to you - but other gay men, women, people like us, you never stop hearing from them. It’ll always be part of your interactions with fans, on match days and whenever else there’ll be people wanting to thank you, tell you what your choice has done for them. It’s not something you can just forget about once it’s done.”

“I’m okay with that,” Owen shrugs, awkward. That’s the impact he wants to have, really, the reason he’s doing this - along with it just making things easier, meaning he doesn’t have to worry about someone else doing it for him.

“And to be clear on the press -” Gareth frowns deeply. “Yes, eventually, they’ll calm down, and doing it in the off season is a good idea, stops them being at your matches when the story’s at it’s hottest - but that doesn’t mean they won’t find you. They staked out my house,” he tells Owen. “I don’t know if they’ll do that with you, not now, but it wouldn’t hurt to be out of the country,” he’s joking, but only just, and he soon sobers again. “You’ll have masses of media at your first few Sarries matches for sure, then again at the England camps, matches, wanting to interview you, get a picture of you, all of that. It might be worth giving one of them something, to calm the rest down,” he suggests. “But - it won’t be easy, it won’t be simple, it might calm down but it will never be the same. Don’t do this just to do it, Owen,” he warns.

“I’m not,” Owen tells him, blinking in surprise - he hadn’t expected Gareth Thomas to try and put him off. “I’m really not,” he assures him. “I want to do this. It’s easier because everyone in rugby already knows, sure, and it’s a bit because I want to do it myself before all the press know, too, but - I want to. For me, and for - everyone else, I guess. If I come out, another gay rugby player, it just makes things easier for the rest of us. I’d like that,” he stumbles, embarrassed to be talking about it. “I remember when you came out, how it felt for me. I’d be proud to do something like that. I’d be happy to stop having to watch my words, and my back, too - a rough few months isn’t enough to put me off all of that.”

“Okay,” Gareth accepts, nodding. “Okay. So we’re back on how to do it, I guess?” he says, moving on.

“Or anything about how it went for you,” Owen replies. “I followed the story, I know it from that side, but I don’t know how it was for you. Anything you’d’ve wanted to know before you came out, anything you can tell me, I’d appreciate. I am trying to think this through, I promise,” he jokes.

“How old were you, when I came out?” Gareth asks, cocking his head. “Or do I not want to know?”

“I was 18,” Owen tells him, laughing when Gareth winces. “Me and George spent hours talking about it, about you, what people were saying.” 

“Of course, you grew up together, didn’t you? Were you childhood sweethearts, then?” Gareth asks, smiling.

Owen tilts his head side to side ambiguously. “Eh, kind of,” he tells him. “We dated when we were in school together, like thirteen-fourteen, and in juniors... we always ended up sharing a room, somehow, only swapped for it a couple of times, and - we took advantage of that, I guess,” he admits. How do you say ‘we just fucked’ without actually saying it? Owen hopes he’s got it. He’s not really sure why he’s giving Gareth all these details, there’s just something compelling about knowing that he _can_. “But after juniors we stopped talking, until George came through into the senior England squad. Even then we didn’t pick things back up straight away. We got friendlier, though, maybe closer than we ever were - I talked to him about coming out to Sarries, stuff like that. But we’ve only been back together - what, 4 months?”

Gareth raises his eyebrows in surprise. “Wow,” he comments. “That’s not long, to be as sure as you are that you guys can get through this.”

Owen shrugs. “It’s - it’s George, you know? I’ve known him half my life. It feels - yeah, sometimes it feels like we’ve been together the whole time. Now we’re actually, like, talking, and doing this properly - I don’t think it’s going anywhere.” 

Gareth smiles at Owen. “Well if he’s even half as sure as you are then I’d have to agree,” he says, fidgeting with his wedding ring.

“He’s the one of us that’s brought up marriage, so yeah, I think we’re good,” Owen jokes, grinning.

“A marriage announcement would be a great way to come out,” Gareth laughs.

“Yeah,” Owen sighs. “I have thought, a couple of times, even after the final, that just mentioning I have a boyfriend would do it, but - I wouldn’t do that to George,” he says, shaking his head.

“No,” Gareth agrees, looking thoughtful. “You need some kind of long form social media to tuck it in to,” he says, mostly to himself. “Tom Daley had a lot of the same ideas, when he came out.”

“George did suggest using England's YouTube channel, but I don't know if they'd let me,” Owen says.

Gareth raises his eyebrows. “You don’t think they’d want their new captain to do a video about the tour?” he asks.

“The kind of thing I could fit it in,” Owen realises, mind already racing ahead. “Yeah, I think they’d be amazed if I suggested it.” He almost laughs imagining the PR team’s surprise. “I still don’t know if they’d let me, but it’s worth a shot,” he grins at Gareth, excited now his main problem is - hopefully - solved.

“If not,” Gareth goes on, “doing it at the end of an interview or press conference is far from a bad idea. You should get to do this however you want, of course you should, but it’ll be a story anyway. Coming out at, say, the end of your last interview in South Africa, versus making a video - I don’t know if it would make that much difference, really. Just worth considering, if you’re attached to doing it this off season.”

“I am a bit,” Owen accepts. “I’ll think about it.” He doesn’t want to give the press such a gift wrapped story, really, but he can see Gareth’s point - his coming out is a story anyway, whether given directly to the press or not. He’s uncomfortable with it, but that doesn’t stop it being true.

“Personally I found that by interacting with the press straight off I had a little more control over the narrative, too,” Gareth tells him. “But I’m only saying that to give you a fuller picture - do whatever feels right to you.”

Owen frowns. “I don’t -“ he grasps for words. “It’s not a ‘narrative’,” he gives the word air quotes. “I’m gay, and that’s all there is to it, that’s all they’re getting. It’s not some press story, it’s my life,” Owen tells Gareth, hoping it gets his point across, but not sure he fully understands what he’s feeling himself. “I know they’re going to, but I don’t _want_ the press to report on it. I want people to know, and I guess I accept what’ll happen, but - I think that’s part of why I don’t want to tell them, to come out like that.” 

Gareth nods slowly, frowning a little. “I think I understand. Coming out in the press makes it inherently a news story, something for public interest -”

“And it’s _not_ ,” Owen interrupts, glad to hear Gareth is on the same page. “Or it shouldn’t be, it shouldn’t have to be. I’m glad for whatever help I can be, I want to do that, so I know it’s important,” Owen stumbles. “But I don’t want to make it a big deal, I don’t think it _should_ be.”

Gareth is watching Owen now, a smile on his lips. “No arguments here, butt.”

Owen shrugs, uncomfortable with the close attention. “You know, sometimes I can’t believe I only came out to Sarries last season.”

“Really?” Gareth asks, eyebrows raised.

“Really,” Owen nods.

“That - must’ve been lonely,” Gareth suggests. “You’ve been with them from the beginning, haven’t you?” 

Owen nods. 

“And none of them ever knew before last year?”

Owen shrugs. “It was alright,” he deflects. “My family knew, I’ve got some friends from school who know. Sarries just thought I didn’t date, and I didn’t, really. They didn’t hassle me about it that much. I have got closer to some of them since though,” he allows. 

It really hadn’t been that bad, that often. There had been moments, even weeks, where it had been tough, but somehow coming out had never felt like a real option. He’d been not telling people for so long the thought had barely crossed his mind, not seriously, not outside of the occasional moments of exasperation when the urge to yell ‘stop talking to me about this, I’m gay!’ had been at its strongest. Talking to George again, laughing about those moments, discussing that side of himself - that had been what had made it seem possible. That constant reminder of their shared past, that he wasn’t alone. Not that he didn’t talk about his sexuality, or dating, with his family, or even some of his friends, but they just couldn’t relate. It had been George who’d said one day, laughing - ‘ you should just do it next time, why not?’. _Why not?_ \- a question Owen hadn’t considered in years, suddenly the only thing he could consider. Why _not_? In the end, he hadn’t had a good enough answer for himself .

Gareth gives him a long look, like he can tell there’s more to it than ‘alright’, but lets it go. “Hopefully you’ll adjust to being out to the public that quickly, too,” is all he says.

“Did you?” Owen asks.

Gareth seems to think for a moment. “No,” he decides. “It took me a long time to realise what I’d done, I think, to realise how much people would care.”

Owen nods understanding.

“That’s one thing I wish I’d known, I think,” Gareth goes on. “I might have done it sooner, if I’d known that. Another thing is how much if affected my family,” he says seriously. “I’d thought about how I’d be received, but not what it would do to them. My niece got bullied, my family were a target for things people wouldn’t dare say to my face. It should be different, now,” he allows, “but you’ve got a little brother, haven’t you?”

“Gabe,” Owen provides. “He’s seven - just.”

“Maybe too young for kids to care,” Gareth says. “But it couldn’t hurt to let his teacher know to keep an eye out.”

“He’ll be out of school for summer by the off season,” Owen shakes his head - not dismissing Gareth’s warning, but explaining that it isn’t necessarily relevant. “And his teacher for this year’s gay, so the school’s good, the kids are good.”

Gareth shakes his head, wondering. “It changes so fast,” he says. 

“Yeah,” Owen quirks a grin. “And I think the Ireland lads get at Dad enough about me playing for England, they don’t need or want more ammo.”

“Fair,” Gareth accepts. “Can’t imagine my family coaching my opposition, that must be tough,” he says, shaking his head.

“It’s not ideal,” Owen admits. “But I think we deal with it okay.”

“If you’re still talking that seems like more than okay,” Gareth laughs, Owen joining in.

“Thank you for this,” Owen says, when their laughter subsides.

“I’m not sure I helped much,” Gareth dismisses, shaking his head.

“Yeah, you only gave me the idea of how to actually do it,” Owen scoffs, sarcastic.

Gareth shrugs. “You were pretty much there,” he says. “Normally there’s a lot more nerves at these, a lot more soul searching - it’s great that you know what you want to do, and how, but it does make me a bit redundant.”

“Hey - I wouldn’t be here without you,” Owen says seriously.

“You know, I think you might,” Gareth says thoughtfully.

Owen shakes his head. “I hate doing press too much,” he says, smiling. “Wouldn’t give them this story if it was bigger, if I was the first.”

“Ah, they’ll find a headline to tell you you are,” Gareth smiles, wry. “You’re not the first English rugby player, not with Keegan Hirst and Sam Stanley, but first England captain, they’ll run with that. That’ll be the headline, or at least the lede. It’ll be like there never was an out Welsh captain, like I never did anything,” he quirks a rueful smile.

“Not to me,” Owen points out. “Or, god, so many other players, so many other people. Gareth, what you did - it changed lives, not least mine.”

Gareth seems pleased, but shrugs it off. “Call me Alfie,” he invites. “Now, is there anything else?” he asks. “I’m trying to think of what else I can tell you.”

Owen thinks. “Nothing springing to mind - can I email you, if there is?” he asks.

“Text me, whatever,” Alfie invites. “I could tell you a hundred cliches, but you seem to know what you want, and that’s the main thing. You’re more clear-headed than most guys I’ve spoken to about coming out, including a lot of the retired ones. Though Tom Daley had Lance talking him through it, he was about the same,” Gareth grants. 

“Well he was, what, 19 at the time?” Owen points out. “I should damn well hope I’m not more nervous than him! It wasn’t even an option in my head when he did it, not for a second.”

“No, it’s funny how that turns,” Gareth agrees. “Guess it shows when you’re ready.”

“I guess,” Owen shrugs. He’s not so sure, personally, but Gareth - Alfie - is the one with the expertise. 

“Ah, you can tell you’re not too much older than him - both of you wanting to avoid the media, wanting to use this new fangled YouTube to do it yourself,” Alfie teases.

Owen rolls his eyes, laughing. “I think he’s got a bit of a better handle on it than me,” he points out.

“Have you thought about that side of things?” Alfie asks. “People, players reacting on social media - Folau?”

Owen shrugs, settling back into his chair. “Don’t care what he has to say,” he dismisses. “I mean, yeah, I had thought that he might get involved - mainly just wondered if it might be enough to get him dropped, though it’d be sad to lose a chance to obliterate him on pitch in the autumn,” he grins.

“Fair enough,” Alfie replies, amused. 

“But no, I hadn’t really thought about it too much,” Owen admits. He doesn’t use social media much, doesn’t think that’s likely to change. Reactions are reactions, wherever they’re hosted - though he supposes he can see how social media makes it easier for him to see them, for people to talk to him directly. But that only really applies if he’s on it and looking.

“You might be better placed talking to Keegan Hirst about that. I’m too old for it to have really been an issue for me,” Alfie says, “but I know he was a bit overwhelmed by the scale of responses. I don’t think there’s much more I can tell you,” he admits. “I’m happy to stay and chat, about this or anything, but you must be busy preparing for South Africa.”

“I haven’t even started thinking about packing,” Owen admits. “We were still celebrating yesterday.”

“And well deserved celebrations they were,” Alfie smiles kindly. “Have you spoken to Keegan and Sam? Do you need their numbers?”

“Nah, I can DM them,” Owen shakes his head. He’s not sure he will. He’d known Sam through Sarries, spoken to him plenty when he came out - though never telling Sam about himself, never being able to - and isn’t sure how much else Keegan’s experience could differ. He’d come to Gareth, besides it being George’s suggestion, because he was the one who’d made a difference to Owen. Also because he openly, loudly helps with this kind of thing, and is retired and has the time for a meeting - Owen is pretty sure Keegan is still midseason. Never mind that, Owen doesn’t _know_ Keegan, has never even met him like he had Alfie. “Thanks, though,” he says, standing. 

Alfie follows suit. “It’s been a pleasure,” he says, holding his hand out for Owen to shake.

“Likewise,” Owen agrees, doing so. “Thank you, for - everything,” he says, as sincerely as he can, feeling awkward.

“You’re very welcome,” Alfie says warmly. “Are you alright to show yourself out? I’ve got something to talk about,” he jerks a thumb towards the offices they hadn’t gone near. 

It occurs to Owen then how well set up this is - they’d gone up in the lift, straight from that down the hall to an empty kitchen, then a private meeting room, never entering open office space filled with people. He wonders if Alfie is now going to tell the office staff that their kitchen is free, that they can use is again, wonders if it had been intentionally left empty around the time of his arrival. He wonders just how many closeted sports people Alfie sees, to have things so well set up. 

“Yeah, that’s fine,” Owen agrees, calling the lift. “Thanks again.”

Alfie just waves a dismissive hand. “Take care, yeah?” he bids. “Contact me any time, about anything.”

“Will do,” Owen replies, smiling politely, as the lift arrives. “You take care too.”

Owen blows out a long breath as the lift starts to descend. He’s not sure what he’d been expecting from the meeting. Talking openly about his sexuality, and even George, had felt better than he could have expected. To be able to talk that openly in a few short weeks, with any interviewer he likes, any punter on the street, without any need for worries about secrecy - he can’t wait. Owen’s not sure he’ll want to, when it comes down to it, is fairly sure he won’t want anyone pressing him on personal matters - but he’ll have the freedom to, and that’s what he’s excited for.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed! I honestly forgot I hadn't yet posted this (or indeed finished editing it!), then found it when I was procrastinating on actually working on the hyf sequel. I am hoping to post the first chapter of that next weekend - I did manage to complete NaNoWriMo with it, but think I burnt myself out in the process, never mind the impact of winter generally, and am just getting back into working on it.
> 
> I can be found on [twitter](http://twitter.com/nymeriahale) and [tumblr](http://fordfarrell.tumblr.com), and would love to hear from you!


End file.
